I AM STRONG
A fragmentation of self in response to developmental trauma or misattunement.
Being Strong or ‘fiercely independent’ becomes a badge of honour. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have been praised for my strength, ability to handle difficult (or downright disastrous) situations or received a comment like ‘I don’t know how you manage/cope.’ The answer… ‘because I am strong.’
I am strong. Damn strong. Because I had to be.
I have been looking at this pattern within myself, and also seeing it present clearly in many clients who walk through the door, that are survivors of developmental trauma or misattunement.
We are all strong kick ass women.
We are all fiercely independent and can manage more than may be humanly possible (the superwoman complex as I like to call it)
We are all people pleasers (aka fawners)
We are all, in a sense, at war with the world, in a constant sate of ‘defend and protect’…. And most of the time we have no idea this is the case…
Because this is how we are. We are strong women. And our strength has got us to where we are today.
The identity statement ‘I am strong’, holds so many threads to explore. Some of the threads are to be honoured and further integrated into our whole self. And for the others, it may be helpful to look them straight on and say ‘no thanks, I don’t need you anymore’ and start the process of disidentification.
Assuming that we develop based on our life experiences, we can pose the question: ‘What made us into the strong women we are today?’ Without generalising too much, I would intuit that for many of us, our strength came from either one very profound or multiple or prolonged and diffuse experiences of having to be strong, having to self-protect and ‘just get on with it’… having to survive.
If you’re reading this, its likely that you identify as a strong woman or have an interest in understanding why a woman you know is so very strong (perhaps annoyingly strong). Some of us, will resonate instantly with the feeling of having to claw our way through a difficult time, likely when we were much younger. Bingo, this is the place to explore, to understand why the little versions of ourselves had to self-protect and to question ‘How does this survival response play out in our lives today?’ ‘Is this response still relevant?’ ‘Do we need to self-protect or is this just an expired adaptation that we can start to readapt?’
For others of us who haven’t experienced a poignant traumatic experience but still feel the resonance of a strong woman, we may like to ask ourselves, ‘where did we learn to be strong?’ It may not have come from any great trauma or wrong-doing. It may simply have arisen from a mum who worked long hours and perhaps wasn’t there to check your home work or chat with before bedtime. It may have arisen from a dad who said ‘big girls don’t cry’ or ‘if you don’t help yourself in this world, no-one will’. Or it may have developed later in life in relation to study, work, financial security. There are so many instances of both attachment and experience that can lead us to identify with ‘I am strong’.
Connecting with this statement makes me think of bodies walking around with protective shells around ourselves Like 360-degree shields of strength that keep us safe from the world (a bit like human turtles). The thing is, these shells are constructed. They are a way to safely interface with the world. They keep all the parts of fragments inside that were not safe for our younger selves to show. Namely the angry parts, the deeply fearful parts, the soft vulnerable parts that want a cuddle and the parts that feel like saying things exactly like they see it with not a care for if it upsets the status quo. We end up fragmenting and splitting off from both the softest parts of ourselves and the parts that allow us to express our true authentic feelings. We shut them up and we shut down.
And this protective shell or costume that we create to protect ourselves once upon a time can become a permanent , daily dressing. It can become a fixed suit of armour. It becomes our identity… ‘I am strong.’
‘What’s so bad about that?’, we can ask. We are strong women and our strength has got us to where we are today!
Yes, that’s right. Thank you to our strong selves for protecting, fighting, defending and transporting us to right now. The question is, what are our protective shells hiding? And what are they holding us back from?
Some questions we may ask ourselves include:
What do we do with our anger? Do we express it? Or do we stuff it down because we are fearful of the response? Is it safe for us to express it? And if not, why not? What would happen?
Are we peace keepers? Do we reserve what we really think and feel about certain situations (and in certain relationships) because we don’t want any drama? Do we ask for what we want/need? Do we feel safe to express what we really feel? And if not, why not? What would happen?
What are our boundaries like? Are we able to say no when we feel a ‘no’ in our bodies? Or do we say ‘yes’ because we want to please the other person? And if so, why? What would happen if we said no more?
Do we use our strength to caretake/hold space? Why do we do this? What about being the caretaker or space holder is so appealing?
Do we let others caretake/hold space for us? And if not, why not? Do we feel safe for others to caretake/hold space for us?
When we delve in, we may realise there is a whole lot of ourselves that is unexpressed underneath our suit of armour, hiding behind the identity of ‘I am strong’. These parts perhaps were locked away by our little selves, because those parts could not be safely loved and nurtured.
There may be a fiery self that is waiting to set the world on fire. There may be a soft gentle self that is yearning to be cared for. There may be all kinds of fragments that we have just disconnected from and packed away because it was not safe to express them or even acknowledge their very existence.
The truth, is that when we are in a state of internal disconnection or fragmentation, we cannot connect as a whole. We cannot love or be loved as a whole. To really find a safe place from which to connect, we must defragment and integrate the parts we shut down. (And If we connect back in with our little selves, I think this is the point of it all… finding a safe place to love and be loved. In fact, I sometimes wonder if that is the point of it all for our adult selves also).
So how do we put ourselves back together? How do we connect to these fragments and invite re-assimilation? How do we take off our super strength protective suit of armour? How do we know when it’s safe to do this? The mere thought can be terrifying. Our Super strength has kept us safe! Who even are we without it?
My feeling, is that it’s not about ditching the super strength. We don’t have to say goodbye to our incredible survival response that got us to be here right now. (Thank goodness we have this part of ourselves!) The new superpower, in my humble opinion, is learning to take off the suit of armour and put it on again with ease and grace. When our strength becomes one aspect of ourselves that can coexist with all our other parts, and be called on at any time, it has been mastered and integrated.
We are strong… but we are also so much more.