As we slide towards the end of the year, it’s important we create a cocoon of compassion and care for all that the holidays and the transition to the new year bring.
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We are grieving as a collective. Perhaps in a way we never have. Perhaps in a way that we have needed to for so long. Perhaps in a way that will change the game.
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We all know about love bombing, but spotlighting is a much subtler form of psychological manipulation.
Spotlighting is an unconscious attempt of the abandoned male to both receive and protect from love.
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Self-deprivation has sat at humanity’s core for many generations.
As we shift towards living in an endemic world, the plague of self-abandonment is ready to resolve.
We are learning that we have to look after ourselves, and develop a sustainable way of living and relating.
The great hand of Covid has given us a choice – wake up to our ways, or suffer.
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The world we live in is such a traumatized one. I believe our disconnection from our own anger is at the root of much of our relational disharmony… the root of war.
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Vulnerability is scary, but it’s essential to connection.
Connection is fundamental to our ability to survive and thrive.
When we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we block ourselves from connection.
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When it comes to any form of healing, recovery or transformation, change occurs in pockets, layers and non-linearity.
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As we continue to move through these uncertain times, experiences of disruption and disorganization are surfacing through the layers of our experience.
In relationships, this is showing up as either conflict, discord and for some the decision to disengage or end relationships that are no longer resonating. This can cause feelings of confusion, guilt, grief, and anger on both ends. The pressure cooker of Covid is causing many of us to wake up and choose what’s important to us.
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Connection
Your ability to feel safe and authentic with your therapist is the single most important thing that will ignite your healing process! If you feel welcome, not judged, relaxed and calm, this is a good sign! If you feel suspicious, protective and unable to relax, this could indicate that a) they are not the right therapist for you b) that your trauma responses are on alert. Take time to inquire and discern what's true for you. You can even ask your therapist. A great therapist will be happy to talk about your feelings about the connection!
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We all want to be loved. Period. In fact, I believe that to learn to love and be loved is our greatest life’s work. When we’ve grown up without a map for it, it's near impossible to find. There’s simply no blueprint for what healthy, respectful and compassionate love looks like. So we end up feeling around in the dark for some illusive abstract thing, continuing to fail or be failed in the process. Or simply too confused or terrified to even start our search. Or accepting some lack-luster simulation of love.
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On Mother’s Day, I usually take time to acknowledge my gorgeous kids and my mum, and also send a message of support to all those who are experiencing loss or pain in relation to motherhood (which is so many of us).
This year, I have been thinking a lot about maternal attachment trauma and the intergenerational aspect of it.
Trauma begets trauma. It travels down family lines until someone breaks the cycle with their own healing.
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Recently I participated in a live Q&A with Hanli Hoefer, presenter, actor, and model. Below is a transcription. Hope that you enjoy reading as much as we did chatting
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