Spotlighting – the subtle manipulation of the abandoned male
Spotlighting – the subtle manipulation of the abandoned male
We all know about love bombing, but spotlighting is a much subtler form of psychological manipulation.
Spotlighting is an unconscious attempt of the abandoned male to both receive and protect from love.
When we do not receive the love we have needed early on, we will do anything to get it, but we will also protect ourselves from it. In essence, this describes the term ‘disorganized attachment’ – we want the love, but we are terrified of the love. Our beautiful and sneaky psyches will do all kinds of tricks and play with smoke and mirrors to hide the core feeling of being deeply abandoned.
When it comes to the abandoned male, there are many different ways that this wound will manifest relationally. Spotlighting is one of the subtler ways that can be harder to spot, heal from or protect against (for female targets).
What you need to know about spotlighting
- The male who spotlights is deeply craving connection and love, but he is too afraid or ashamed to be vulnerable. He may also be completely unaware that this is the case (depending on the level of psychological consciousness.)
- When he comes into contact with a woman (who he feels may be able to provide what he needs), he will place a spotlight on her. That is, he puts the attention of the conversation on the woman so that she feels seen and heard. If the woman has her own abandonment wounds, she will enjoy the spotlight and her own unconscious behavior begins. Her wounded inner child believes she has found someone who will love her well, so she elevates him to hero/savior/god level and proceeds to pour all her loving energy back to the man.
- At this time, romance ensues. It is usually intoxicating, high intensity, and quick. (Men have been known to propose quickly, or even leave marriages in favor of a very new relationship).
- However, once the male has ‘caught’ the woman, he switches off the spotlight and starts to see the woman’s humanness as well as her abandonment wounds. He often finds this repellant because it mirrors his own wounded self. As for the woman, once the spotlight is turned off, she no longer feels seen and heard and wonders what happened to the man who seemed to know and love her well. She ends up feeling alone, craving love, and often becomes distressed and demanding.
- Resentment builds on both ends with the woman feeling unloved, the man feeling despising, and often looking for another woman to spotlight (because he needs a new fix of adoration).
- These relationships usually come to an end.
For the spotlighter (the man):
If you are a male spotlighter, here’s how you can begin to shift and move towards healthy love:
Admit the truth ‘I spotlight because I am craving connection, but I am also blocking myself from connection.’
Understand where it comes from. This usually requires processing maternal attachment trauma (i.e. an unavailable or volatile mother)
Decide to heal ‘I don’t want to do this to women or to myself anymore.’
Next time you come into contact with a woman, be aware of your energy and do not cast the spotlight. You can try being aware of your feet on the floor, your breath in your body, and the length of your spine while in contact. It may feel incredibly uncomfortable not to cast the spotlight. Feelings of awkwardness, anxiety shame, or anger may surface. Stay with the process.
Explore what it’s like to connect from an authentic and vulnerable place. You may not get the rush you do when you spotlight or even feel that there is no attraction to the woman. Stay with the process and see what grows. This is where true and lasting intimacy springs from.
Spotlighting takes time to heal, and can often bring up intense feelings or desires to engage in harmful behaviors like drinking, spending, promiscuity, adrenaline-boosting activities, or overworking. Healing asks you to come back to yourself and feel what’s there. Working with an excellent therapist can be incredibly helpful as you re-pattern a lifetime of protective relating patterns and heal the wound of abandonment.
For the spotlighted (the woman):
Here’s how to spot and stop someone spotlighting you:
Be aware of the process – if a man is putting all the attention on you and it feels delicious, you are being spotlighted.
Own your own abandonment wounds – the desire for connection and love can see you ignoring red flags and choosing unhealthy or harmful connections. Healing asks you to know this and care for those parts of yourself, so they do not take you into the arms of a man who cannot love you well.
When you come into connection and realize that spotlighting is starting to occur, bring the conversation back to either a) neutral (topics that are not about either of you) or b) the man (ask him about himself). A man who is available to build a genuine connection will meet you in these places. A man who is not, will try and re-cast the spotlight, or disengage from the connection.
Practice relating in ways that are neutral and fluid and build over time. You may not get the rush of the spotlight, or even feel bored. Stay with the process and see what grows. The love and intimacy you seek need time to develop.
Healing abandonment wounds is a complex process. You may find this causes some anxiety or triggers the desire to either lock the guy down or run in the other direction. Healing asks you to sit with your distress and process its origins. Working with a great therapist can be really helpful for healing this wound.
In the end, we are all looking for connection, intimacy, and love. Many of us are also incredibly scared of it, because we either don’t know what it looks and feels like, or we are terrified of being hurt. The only way to develop what we seek is to heal our abandonment wounds. This is an epic process, so be gentle with yourself and those you meet. We all want the same thing.
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