Vulnerability & the Fear of Being Seen

Vulnerability is scary, but it’s essential to connection.

Connection is fundamental to our ability to survive and thrive.

When we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we block ourselves from connection.

From real, honest, intimate connection.

The place where we can be seen, heard, and cared for.

We protect ourselves – our hearts, our egos.

Most us are terrified to be seen.

We are worried that people won’t like what they see.

That we will be judged, mocked, penalized or even rejected.

The fears of persecution and separation cause us to armor up. Hide. Protect.

The irony is that our fear of being separate, causes us to be separate.

Without vulnerability there is no connection.

We may have family friends and colleagues all around us.

But they can’t really see us. They can’t reach in to our hearts, or the recesses of our minds where our more difficult thoughts lurk.

There are people all around us… but we are alone.

I call this ‘misconnection’. There are relationships, conversations experiences, but they often feel a few degrees off from how we think they are meant to feel.

Or, we are smiling and engaging in these relationships and experiences, but inside we might be feeling something different. We tend to pack away our sadness and despair, grief, our frustration and anger, our confusion or apathy. We switch on, in order to cope, and those parts of ourselves. We deny our complexity. We get lost inside our suit of armor.

We are alone.

Over time, when we are alone with ourselves, we may start to feel like we don’t belong. In social groups, at work, in our family, in our own bodies and in the world. Did you know, it is not an uncommon experience for people to feel like they are an alien in this world? Like they weren’t meant to be born in their bodies, to their family or to this generation or world? It’s really common. But no-one talks about it.

Vulnerability seems impossible because we feel a sense of shame, like something is inherently wrong with us.

When we find the courage to share our experiences, we are no longer alone with them. We are connected. We can be seen, heard and hopefully responded to. Simply taking off our suit of armor, piece by piece can completely transform our experience.

This is how we heal, thrive and master. By being real.

Before we can be vulnerable, we need to feel safe.

In order to feel safe, we need to discern. Is this person or group going to receive well? Or are they going to judge me or reject me in some way? Often we don’t take the time to discern.

Our fear of vulnerability, of being seen, rises, and we immediately retreat into ourselves. Put on a piece of armor.

 Our fears may be conscious or unconscious. Or somewhere in between.

When we acknowledge that we are afraid to share ourselves, we can start to challenge our fear.

The fear is learned.

Either we have been taught that it is not appropriate to share our more difficult experiences; than to ‘grin and bear it’ is the noble acceptable choice.

Or we may have a past experience where when we have been vulnerable and honest, and shown ourselves that someone has judged or rejected us.

Take a moment to pause… is this true for you? Do you have a history where you have been vulnerable and, as a result, been hurt?

The past learning, is dictating the way we relate in the present.

We are disempowered to the old, and unable to create something new.

We cannot foster the intimacy and connection that we crave…. and that we, in fact, need.

Practical Steps to invite vulnerability

To start to change this, we need to challenge our old protective mechanisms.

Here’s how:

1)      Acknowledge our protective suit of armor – ‘I’m not being vulnerable’.

2)      Discern: ‘Is it safe (with this person or people), to be vulnerable?’

3)      Choose: ‘I am going to share a little bit more of myself.’

The beautiful thing about this re-patterning process is that we can choose exactly how much of ourselves we want to share at any given time.

We don’t need to rip off our armor and stand emotionally naked in front of everyone we meet… and in fact, we shouldn’t, that could be dangerous. Not everyone is a safe person. And not everyone deserves to hear your story. You are precious. Your vulnerability is powerful. It can send waves of human connection through your words to open the heart of another.

So take time to discern in every interaction: ‘Is this person (or group) safe?’ And share to the appropriate degree. Perhaps taking off just one piece of armor, sharing one deeper truth and testing the waters or reception.

‘How am I being received?’

You may be surprised…. Our open hearts often invite the warmest responses… and build a pathway to belonging, connection and care.

Connection builds over time, as safety builds and as we learn to trust our internal radar that lets us know we are relationally safe.

Be compassionate and patient with your process.

When we have been armored up for eternity, we need time to slowly piece by piece, find and show ourselves.

Natalia Rachel works with individuals and groups to create a safe space for vulnerable sharing. If you’d like to explore this for you or your team, contact natalia@illumahealth.org