Recovering From Physical Abuse Trauma - A Note From a Patient Turned Therapist
When we have unresolved trauma from physical abuse, it can play out in many areas of our lives. Having experienced this, and also working with this day in day out, there are a few key things I have learned. 1) Physical abuse is stored in the body. It often exists in bracing patterns, twitches, ticks and pulsing movements.
These can quietly present for years, but packed away as part of self. So the physical holding pattern stays with us, unexplained and unaddressed. For many of us, of us the physical manifestation can escalate or heighten when we perceive a threat, or simply just from entering a state of overwhelm. The nervous system is largely unconscious and involuntary.
It doesn’t know the difference between overwhelm and actual threat, unless we consciously hook up the somatic signals with the left brain. It also doesn’t know the difference between a current perceived threat, or a past real one. The signals are the same: danger danger danger.
It’s our job as we move through recovery, to keep feeding back the information ‘I’m safe. I’m safe. The danger has passed.’ We can feed back through our words and intention, but we can also feedback through the body. We can make our body feel safe with movement, with pressure, with warmth, with gentles, or through the feedback of a kind, safe ‘other. And those physical threat signals, they need to be offered a safe space to become bigger, deeper, stronger… to be felt, acknowledged for what they are and released. In order to do this, we need first awareness and second capacity. I hope reading this provides some illumination for you. And that your capacity is increased, simply from knowing… I get it. I’ve been there. You are not alone.
2) When we are physically abused, there is a fragmentation of the psyche that occurs and a suppression of various emotions. Because at the time of the abuse, it was not safe to feel, let alone express them. While the emotions may be varied and textured, without a doubt there is always FEAR and ANGER. We are afraid of our abuser. And we are angry for the violation; the extreme boundary breach. We can go through life feeling these emotions under the surface, driving our experience.
We can try to dis-identify from them or hide them. But they are there, quietly swirling and screaming inside of us. Until such a time as they are triggered to the surface, threatening the character that we have so diligently created with all our disassociation, self-love, avoidance and growth strategies. We can worry that these ugly parts that rear their heads are the truth, and that the person we thought we were is false. Do you know what? All these parts of fragments are truth. These exist concurrently. It’s just that we often run from our more difficult aspects. Because they are messy, mean, rageful and perhaps we fear they may be unlovable. When we have experienced physical abuse, it can cause us to question: ‘is something wrong with me?’ ‘what did I do to deserve this?’ and down in the unconscious and existential realm of ourselves, we may come to the conclusion, that we are inherently bad or broken or damaged, or just downright unlovable.
This untruth is something we have acted in; because any act of abuse is heinous and hateful in nature (even if it comes from someone that is meant to love us). When we are recovering from this kind of trauma, there is a requirement to delve into all these fragments, hold them in our metaphorical arms and let them have their moment to express, writhe around and be soothed. There is also a need to find that thread of hate that has been acted in and send it the hell out of our body, our mind, our soul… send It out into the universe and explode it into a million pieces. It is a bit like taking a shard of burning glass out of our hearts. Both excruciating and necessary. You know where it is now. Look for it and extricate it as gently as you can.
3) The trauma of physical abuse shows up in our close relationships. And it can cause mayhem. When this kind of trauma is unresolved, it is as if we are unconsciously looking for our perpetrator. There is a need to either complete, relive or reframe the experience. It varies from dynamic to dynamic. Everything is relational. Abuse is relational.
Recovery is relational. So it makes sense that it is in our close relationships, that all our unresolved trauma comes up to process; because our close people are meant to be safe places for us (just like a mother and father are meant to be safe for a child). But if you are reading about trauma, then you know that this is not always the case. And this is the most confusing and heart-shattering thing that leaves us unable to orient to the world, to ourselves, to anything at all.
How can the safe person be the dangerous person? ‘How can I exist without that safe anchor in the world; maybe I can’t?’ That is what our young souls are inquiring in the case of abuse by an attachment figure. And this is what we bring into our adult relationships. Most of the time we have no idea that it is at play. We can find ourselves feeling needy or demanding, or avoidant and terrified, or confused, or unable to love or be loved. Disorganized. Triggers can be as small as raised voices, narrowed eyes, a turn of phrase, too much space, too little space. In essence it is usually either the experience of a boundary breach, or a failure to connect as closely as we may want and need. And as soon as there is a trigger on our end, it may activate the other person’s trigger response.
So then we get stuck in an unconscious confusing loop. When all we really want is to be safe and to be loved. The thing is, it is not our adult selves at play. It is our terrified child aspects (as per part 2 above) seeking out abuser. With this trauma at play, our relationship are bound to fail, because our partner will become our perpetrator. I have found that as we move through recovery, there is a need to start to recognize our relational trigger threads, to acknowledge those distressed fragments that come up and to find a way to care from them. The ultimate goal, will be to connect in to the relationship with our conscious adult selves. It takes time. Repetition. Mistakes. Rupture. Repair. It can be made much easier when we have a partner that truly is a safe space, who knows your trauma and has a desire to provide what you really need to heal and repair. But this is often not the case.
Because we all have some level of unprocessed childhood content inside us. And we cannot expect that ‘other’ is going to be able to put all their stuff aside to meet our needs at any given time. Because they have needs too. And flaws. And they make mistakes. And have their own unconscious blind spots. It can be so hard to find compassion for that when there is a hurt child inside us, screaming for comfort. So what do we do? How do we engage? With as much grace as possible. With as much authenticity as possible. Acknowledging the unhealed parts, taking responsibility for our triggers and making a conscious space to express – to say how we feel, to ask for what we need. To find our pathways to safety. You see, back then at the time of the abuse we couldn’t do that. We couldn’t say no. we couldn’t ask for help, or space, or comfort. We were likely frozen.
I think as we move through recovery, unfreezing and finding a way to communicate it all is the biggest piece of the puzzle. We won’t always do it well. We won’t always get out needs met. We may create a trigger loop. But sometimes we will get it right. Sometimes we will get our needs met. Sometimes we will find safe connected communication. And I really think this is what heals us, builds resilience and trust. We have to learn to trust our own ability to relate. And trust that at our core, we are so damn lovable. We really are. I hope you know that.
If you resonate with this share, please like, comment, share or send a DM. It’s through sharing our stories that recovery starts to begin.
