Trauma Therapy Resources - 4 Attachment Styles to Understand the Relationship

Our attachment style provides a map for the way we engage in close relationships. We learn our attachment style from our formative relationships, which are mother and father or our caregiver. In this article, we will outline the four attachment styles for you to understand which one you and your partner are and ways you can help each other feel safe in the relationship.

Secure

The first is a secure attachment. This attachment style feels very safe when the mother, or later in life, partner, leaves, and returns. This means that they do not worry if their partner goes out with friends, and they are not texting them. Because they feel safe with the person they are with. On the flip side, they are also not going to feel overwhelmed if they need to be really close to their partner, and don't have too much space. The secure attachment style feels safe in connection and separation.

Insecure-avoidant

The person with an insecure-avoidant attachment style needs space. They get overwhelmed by too much connection. So, the typical dynamic that can occur with this type of attachment is when their partner gets too close and they do not have enough space they will shut down emotionally or they might even leave. To them, the connection feels overwhelming. If you or your partner have an insecure-avoidant attachment style, ensuring that you really understand space and boundaries and providing that for each other can be very helpful. And once the insecure-avoidant attacher receives space, they will find the impulse to step forward back into the connection.

Insecure-anxious

Insecure-anxious attacher wants connection, and they are terrified of separation. When this person is in a relationship, they are commonly reaching out or grabbing and wanting more because they are terrified that the person might leave them. If you or your partner are an insecure-anxious type, what can really help is to use words and touch to make the other person feel safe and really understand that their partner will not leave them.

Disorganised attachment

The disorganised attachment style is developed at a later stage in life, and it is commonly associated with people who’ve experienced developmental or emotional trauma. They want connection, but they are also terrified and overwhelmed by it. To help a disorganised attacher, you need to provide stability. To provide a constant level of connection and disconnection routine helps. Understanding the attachment style and what may be needed when a person goes into the experience of shutting down and freezing is crucial.

Understanding our attachment style will give us a better understanding of why we are a certain way in our relationships and why our partner is existing or engaging in a particular way. If we want to cultivate a beautiful connective relationship, we need to know how we can make each other safe.