Exploring the Concept of Need vs. Neediness, and the Implications of Trauma

Recently I participated in a live Q&A with Hanli Hoefer, presenter, actor, and model. Below is a transcription. Hope that you enjoy reading as much as we did chatting.

Hanli: Can we break down having needs and being needy?

Natalia: There’s needs:  I need air. I need water. Food. Shelter. Love. And yes, we Do need love. Human connection and communication are needs.

Then there is ‘needy’ or ‘demanding’. Which are words that are commonly used by romantic partners, to describe the other partner, when they are asking for more than they can comfortably give. SO there is a very relational aspect to the labeling of a person as ‘needy’. In one relationship dynamic, someone may be seen as needy, but in another, they may not be seen as needy at all. This comes down to the fact, that we all have a certain capacity for relationship and we resonate better with some people, that we do with others.

We are most commonly labeled as ‘needy’, when we are either asking for someone to heal us, to make it all better or when we are being unreasonable or poochy, shi shi.

‘You have to cheer me up when I’m sad’,  ‘you need to take me out more’, ‘make more of an effort to be romantic’.

Basically, we are making the other responsible for our sense of happiness, and this falls into the concept of co-dependency.

Often when we are needy, we are actually just craving connection.  These are known as ‘bids for attention’ in the Gottman Therapy framework.

And this can be a response to unprocessed childhood trauma, where our basic needs for love, approval, and affection have not been met.

Hanli: In one of your IGtvs about trauma you said that there are feelings of shame for some of us that come with having needs.

Why do we judge ourselves for feeling needy?

Natalia: Somewhere along the line we have learned it is bad or wrong to have needs. This might come from our family of origin. Or it may come through culture or religion. We are taught it is wrong to express wants and desires or, there may be a case that in our family someone else is constantly expressing theirs, and taking up space, so we learn we better not express our needs because we don’t want to add to the drama. When this becomes a habit, we can actually lose touch with what our needs are, or how to express them healthily. Later in life, when we are needy, it is most often because our basic needs have been neglected, either in the present or the past.  In terms of attachment style, it often triggers insecure anxious attachment or disorganized attachment. Just like with all trauma, neglect exists on a spectrum. It could be anything from not being asked how we are on a daily basis, to being locked in a room for hours at a time.  The more starved we are for human connection, the more we will crave it. And we may feel really ashamed or confused about why we are literally aching to be loved.

How do we know when we are being needy, or expressing a real need?

Sometimes we get called needy when we are expressing healthy needs. And this is a form of gaslighting that veers into the realm of psychological abuse.  For example, we may be asking someone to listen to us, or give us space, or expressing a healthy desire for physical intimacy or interest in doing an activity together.

When we are made to feel like we are needy for having normal needs, it can make us feel ashamed and also crazy. It can make us feel like we don’t deserve to have our basic human needs met. And if we have developmental trauma around neglect, this can re-trigger and perpetuate the feeling that our needs don’t matter and we are all alone in the world. It can make us feel quite overwhelmed, scared, angry, afraid and it can often bring about a deep sense of grief.

I’ve definitely struggled with feeling needy, I still do. How do we form a healthier conversion around voicing our needs and just being ok with having needs?

We need to start giving ourselves permission to be human. To have needs and to learn how to meet them ourselves first (where possible), but also to challenge the idea that we shouldn’t ask for help. We do need each other. So if we need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to learn with or laugh with… then that is just us being human.

Could you share more about how growing up in a conservative society can affect our ability to express?

 Culture can play a big part in our ability to express our experience – needs, wants, desires, emotions. If culturally we are taught that these things are bad or wrong, we are going to carry an extra layer of shame around it. To fit in, we have to follow suit, go with the grain. And at some level, we all want to fit in – to belong. We are biologically primed to exist in groups. So if we exhibit a behavior that is different, we are at risk of being ostracised. So we tend to blend in, to maintain connection. Not everyone does this though… because the feeling of not being able to individuate – which is also a natural biological expression – can cause us to want to lash out and rebel. It can feel like if we don’t express ourselves we will die! And really that’s very true. Our expression, our emotion, those things are a big part of what makes us human.

If someone watching this can relate and goes in and out of feelings of feeling needy, feeling scared of being alone, what are 3 steps they can take to help themselves?

The first step is to recognize where the need comes from. Is it a healthy human need, or is it a response to feeling neglected? And with the latter... Am I actually being neglected or is it a perceived feeling of neglect? Once we can find the answer we can self-care. If it’s a healthy human need, the healthy response would be to reach out and express the need. If we were being neglected by a person in the present, the response would be to speak up and voice our feelings calmly – to ask for what we need (and if we are being gaslit, to stand up for ourselves and speak our truth). If we realize we are perceiving neglect, where there Is none, deeper self-work is required. We want to ask ourselves ‘ what has triggered this feeling?’ ‘where is it really coming from?’ ‘how can I help myself to feel secure and loved and not project or transfer this perceived experience onto the other person?’ It may be that getting under a blanket or having a nice warm bath and perhaps a good cry are really helpful self-care here.

So… Are you needy? Or do you just have normal human needs… or a little bit of both.

To connect to more of the interview series with Hanli, tune into her Instagram Live every second Tuesday April-June 2021.

Read more about Hanli at www.hanlihoefer.com