Relationship Triggers & Maps to Safety

Relationships are often the source of our biggest triggers.

Sometimes, we can find ourselves feel so overwhelmed by intense emotions that we cannot find a way to express ourselves in a way that helps us feel safer – both internally, and within the relationship.

When we experience a relationship trigger, a distressed and suppressed fragment inside us is popping up to express. This is known as transference. The current relationship dynamic is often mirroring a past harmful relationship. When this happens it can be really hard to make sense of it in the moment. It can often leave us feeling confused and dysregulated. We may either completely shut down and internalize our feelings or we may demand that the other person help us to feel better.

Neither of these reactions support us to develop healthy connected relationships, because they are survival responses. There is also fragmentation occurring. We are not engaging as our conscious adult self. We are engaging from an unprocessed aspect of ourselves that is experiencing some kind of threat. When we engage from a baseline of threat, there will always be war, or oppression… or both.

What we want to do, is increase feelings of safety, so that we can engage with vulnerability, authenticity, empathy and compassion.

How do we find safety when we are feeling wildly unsafe?

Learning yours (and your partner’s) maps to safety can be very helpful for managing relationship triggers and states of overwhelm.

Here are some factors to consider that will help you work out how to help yourself and your partner to return to safety. Together, you can work out your own unique map to get you there.

(Your map to safety will link in with your attachment style)

1) Connection/Disconnection

When we feel overwhelmed within a relationship, it may be that we crave more connection and intimacy in order to feel safe, or it may be that we actually require to disconnect and feel spaciousness.

It is common to need connection if we have had an experience of being abandoned/rejected (a parent leaving us or telling us we are no good), or an experience of neglect in our early life. However, it can also arise from simply having a parent that wasn’t around as much as we may have liked, or didn’t express love often (even if they clearly loved us).

It is common to need spaciousness, if we have experienced overwhelming attachment relationships (think a volatile or explosive parent, or a parent who smothers us with too much love and attention, or a controlling parent who didn’t allow space for choices, mistakes and individuation).; In these dynamics, it can feel like we lose our sense of self or are suffocated by the other person’s experience.

For someone who has suffered abuse or neglect, it is common to need to disconnect briefly and then return to connection.

2) Verbal/Non-verbal language

For some of us, it can be very helpful to have someone tell us verbally that they are there, and that they are not leaving (this is common if we have experienced abandonment/rejection in the past). Because words connect to our logical left brain, they may help us move into a rational experience of connection. This can help us to trust, when we have misfiring threat responses that don’t make rational sense.

However, some of us can feel overwhelmed by words and respond better to quiet presence. (this is common for people who have been in a volatile relationship or attachment dynamic where the other person/parent has been emotionally explosive. In this scenario, there can often be a sense of ‘emotional flooding’, and quiet presence can be more helpful to remain connected (but not overwhelmed).

3) Touch or No Touch

Touch can be a powerful thing to help us return to safety. When someone we feel safe with touches us, a process of co-regulation can occur. The physical presence of the other person helps us to feel calm when we don’t.

For some people, touch can feel threatening. This may occur if there has been a past occurrence of physical abuse. It can also occur if we are unfamiliar with touch as a form of communication and unconsciously mark it as foreign or bad. This can happen if touch was not commonly used in our family dynamic (lots of cuddles), or it can also be influenced by cultural dynamics.

4) Order of Freedom

When we feel like we are out of control, finding a way to create order can help us to feel safe again.  When relationship triggers occur, it may be helpful to immerse in familiar daily tasks, and rituals to increase the feeling of all being ok in the world.

When we feel trapped or smothered as a result of a relationship trigger, it can help to do something different to generate a sense of internal freedom. This could be done in many ways, from having a shower in the middle of the day, to going for an impromptu walk, or having a rest when we should be working. Little changes in the ordinary day to day, can really make a difference.

5) Creating your Map

Once you understand the possible pathways to increase internal and relational safety, you can start to create your own map to get there. Once you know what works for you, you can start to help yourself. If your partner is receptive to helping you return to safety, you can share what works for you and work together to manage your relationship triggers and build trust. The more trust you build with your partner, the safer you will feel.

Note: This article pertains to people engaging in healthy relationships where transference is at play. It does not apply to people engaging in abusive relationship dynamics. If you feel like you are being abused, reach out for support. In Singapore you can contact AWARE Helpline at 1800 777 5555. It you are outside of Singapore, please contact your county’s abuse helpline.